PART 2 of 3: HATE IS EASY, LOVE IS HARD
I’m sitting and chatting with Miztress Tia during our second interview. This time, we are in my living room. She is on the couch, sipping on tea that she brought with her. I am with my notebook and pen, legs curled up in a chair. I know we have the burning topic of how she came to be a Professional Domme to discuss, I can feel that topic like an oversized wallet in my back pocket – but I go with my base urge to get personal instead (it can be so easy to avoid, sometimes, even when it involves going after something we want).
“What does an average weekend look like for you?” I ask.
“It depends on the weekend,” she replies. She is a woman after my own heart to have her first answer be conditional. “I’m rarely home during that time. If not working the weekend, I often have my full weekend planned out by the end of the work week. My plans have me outside, on some sort of healthy adventure. Sometimes by myself when i want to be away from other people, sometimes with friends along.
“If there is an event going on, I usually get my house work done first – that way I can have a clean bed to flop into in the wee hours of the morning when I return home. I pick out an outfit and then usually nap for an hour or two. I grab toys for the evening, making sure they are clean, and then I go out.
“If I want to play at an event, I hunt for it. It’s as simple as you can get.” and, she adds, she may give an extra-long stare to someone of interest, as she parades around a new or favourite toy. This either creeps a person out, or draws them in. “We are predator and prey; that is the deviancy that we all seem to seek out.” Yet, she says, there are times when initially she seeks and ends up with more than what she was looking for – then things become more complex. Now, who is the prey?
“In kink, there is a chaos. A struggle, if you will, unlike vanilla play or missionary type sex, which is ordered, boring if not mechanical at times with the end result often being to procreate. We [Kinksters] feed off each other; thrive on the thrill of being different, of going against the norms, and there should be no place for guilt or shame in this. Stigma is there to make us feel bad about what it is we like, but it can be overcome.” A pause. “Which are you? A normal person or a sexual deviant? I am both, and I’m perfectly fine with that.” A sly grin on her face.
Along with the stigma, assumptions are made about people in the kink lifestyle. And, about Tia. She explains that even though she is a Dominant, she has her softer sides: she loves the beach, watching the waves; going for a drive and letting the wheel turn which way it chooses; and she feels content when out in the wilderness, taking pictures. “I like to play with kids in the puddles too!” She says she can be harsh, yes, but that this is a role she plays in certain circumstances (unless, of course, you “piss her off”).
She continues by saying that along with always having had a dominant personality, she can also sometimes “be a jackass, or a comedian”. She can be the centre of attention, if she chooses to be. She can engage in consensual non-consent and “kick the shit out of a person with glee and enthusiasm”, then turn around and become quiet and withdrawn, reconciling within herself the guilt associated with what that person wanted; of what she did to them.
“I would not be beating you unless you come to me and ask for it!”
She laughs now when she says she doesn’t do contracts or D/s relationships; that she is less formal than she used to be. “I’m too lazy for that sort of time commitment at this juncture [and], I’m not getting any younger! [And], I don’t have leather and boots on when sleeping at night either (much to the disappointment of many peoples’ fantasies). I am just as strong and powerful in my sweatpants and sweatshirt; breaking the mold of what a firm Dominatrix typically looks like. And, I do cry. I am a woman first and foremost. I have all the emotions.”
After a thoughtful pause, she adds that “women are so strong; they are currently not in many power positions, men are the majority. But, women are speaking up more. And men are listening.” she observes adding that when we (women) finally do wake up fully…well, she is really looking forward to seeing that.
She continues and explains something that I had not thought of in these terms. She talks about how peculiar it is, the way we, as a society, view violence. Often, she notes, supported by religious organizations. We have not repressed wars, violence in films, or prisons. Yet, we regularly repress our true natures. As examples, we repress expression, controlling every aspect of it, assigning – even items of clothing (colour coding) – to certain genders thus making it so that many men and young boys feel they cannot wear “women’s clothing” lest they be ridiculed, sticking out, or scolded by a parent. And we repress our sex and sexuality, our attraction towards others (that don’t follow the standard hetero relationship for procreation). She says, “And people think I’m a freak for spanking someone’s ass for their (and my) pleasure.”
Having been surrounded largely by male Doms as her “colleagues” or “equals” throughout her Pro Domming career, Miztress Tia can speak from a place of knowledge when she discusses how, sexually, society has labelled us with certain gender restrictions/roles or labels. She states matter-of-factly, “that is so weird to me… If you close your eyes and someone touches you, you don’t know if that person is a man or a woman. You don’t know the gender of that person. And what would it matter so long as the pleasure is given, the attraction is there regardless of ‘gender identity.’”
Her awareness of the acceptance of violence over sex (such as seen in North America where nipples exposed appear to be more of a concern than a woman being severely beaten, or raped), and speaking out about the relevant issues isn’t the only way Miztress Tia has swum upstream in her life. When she was growing up, there was one such standoff within the walls of her family home. “We had a deal”, she says to me, “and my mom changed her mind, and I did not like that.”
If Tia took Confirmation in her Catholic Church, so went the arrangement, then it would be her decision as to whether she would continue going to church beyond that ceremony. She was always questioning the “teachings”, noting the violence against “man”, and the passages that treated women…in a poor light. She doesn’t agree with them now and didn’t agree with them when she was younger. And Tia made her opinions known. She informed her parents that their beliefs, well, “sucked” and that their “’God’ was a real asshole”. In her opinion, this ‘God’ preaches about loving one another only to “smite” the same people when they aren’t behaving as “good robots”.
And, as though it weren’t enough to wait the usual number of years for confirmation, Tia had two extra years to wait for her “freedom” due to the population in the church declining. Confirmation of several ages at once, in one large group, every few years, had become the norm instead of the former traditional age-based “growth into adulthood”.
After impatiently waiting to go through, and finally completing, this ceremony, Tia was shocked and angered when her mother woke her the following Sunday in order to attend church. At first, Tia refused, reminding her mother of the deal that was made. Her mother retorted that it was her house, her rules, and that Tia was to go to church. And, she did.
And while she was there, she made sure everyone in the building knew she was not happy. She chose to sit the entire time, arms folded, and with a look on her face that likely burned deep into her mother’s essence for the entire duration. This was just one of her many “protests” through her life against the tides of society.
Tia then found a further solution to her mom going back on the deal they had. At the age of 18, she left home. For 8 months. She eventually moved back with the understanding that she did not have to go to church; that it was her choice how she lived her life (and their God and organization was not it). Her deeply religious parents conceded because they wanted her in their lives.
Things perhaps sorted themselves out in the end though. Tia describes how when the Deacon came to visit several years after that quiet protest. He sat her down for a four-hour recruitment conversation for the church and, wouldn’t you know it, she had him questioning his faith by the end of the conversation. This was following the Mount Cashel Orphanage sexual abuse scandals, in St. John’s Newfoundland in the 1980s, “I wasn’t about to go into that organization, or bring my friends into that. I like my friends,” she chuckles to herself, ”but… I do now consensually beat on them for fun. This is not at all the same as what the priests did to those kids back then though – that was torture.”
It was Tia’s adamant questioning that also planted a seed within her parents to question their own beliefs, later on and over the years. As of today, neither has attended a church service in well over a decade.
What then of spirituality? Much like she has navigated untrodden paths in kink, making her own handbook instead of going by those others have written, Miztress Tia created her own beliefs and way of life. Her own spirituality. This came after she researched religions over the years, picked out ideologies that appealed to her, and, instead of going deep into any established religion, Tia constructed and pruned her own little nest. Again; simple. In the morning, she is sure to thank the spirit for allowing her to see another day. She feels grateful during this time, to be awake during the day, to sleep at night.
Tia continues to this day to question established belief systems. This occurs mostly on social media these days. Her aim is help others “understand the facts versus what has been programmed into their minds by religious organizations”.
If this seems unusual in comparison to the norm, so might be considered her views on relationships and marriage. I enjoy sitting and listening as she describes how back in many older societies, ceremonies such as hand-fasting was the norm – a short-term union contract made sense to small communities for their growth. People moved in and out of relationships based on needs rather than for “love.”
For marriage as it is today “it’s for the tax man to keep track of your money, for reproduction still – but, what the hell is an ‘honest’ woman with a gold band on her hand?!” Tia ponders; she feels this is rather outdated considering technology can now keep better records of all of us for taxation purposes.
“But,” she muses, “try to apply hand-fasting now during a time when everyone “wants more” and marriages crumble instead (often over money). Yet, “till death do us part” makes little sense today when we change our perspectives in life and are reformed virtually anew every seven years. “Why would I want to do something like that with such poor odds of success?”
So, how do you succeed in all of this? Well, according to Miztress Tia, “love doesn’t come into it; it comes down to communication… and money”.
She goes on to pose the following question: how many people could have succeeded in their relationships had they been able to shed their fears of rejection and simply communicated with each other over something instead of simply sticking it out (with someone who oftentimes becomes a stranger). “Instead of saying ‘this isn’t working, it’s time to move on’, that rush down the aisle becomes a regret a few years later, especially with the added debt load for that one special day”.
Or maybe, instead of ending the relationship, renegotiating a new one every few years could have resulted in an open relationship, complete with commitments and bonds with others, which could been maintained much longer than the average marriage (around half of which end, eventually). But, people fear change, just as they fear unknowns. “I want people to impress, don’t repress themselves or others. Think of a child seeing something new, there is awe, wonder, openness”,
And she is absolutely right. A child will spend the most amount of time looking at something they have never seen, more time than looking at their own mother (a face they have presumably seen up close a thousand time). Let alone that they will blurt everything out, with no filter, no shame. And, we so often lose that naiveté along the way; we have to push that wonder away for the path to “adulthood”.
“So much manipulation occurs due to peoples’ inability to communicate and [the idea of] ‘love’ has people asking the other “how much comfort can you give me”. Or, working to get more, be selfish, try to keep that person to themselves. We will even get a partner to stop doing what they enjoy in order to be in a monogamous/miserable situation rather than let that person thrive. And people wonder why divorce rates are so high? Not to mention, a huge demand for abuse centres.” Tia explains how she does her best to push away what she does not like in life, keep close what she enjoys in life.
Things like peer pressure and oppression are unwanted in her life, as is the case with most, but she actively searches for relationships that are less abusive than what society has given us as an idea of what a relationship, or love, is supposed to looks like. She seeks out those who have the same ability to listen and question the waves of the ocean that is our “society”. Those with the ability to look past their “me” mentality and subscribed oppression, so that all involved can enjoy some pretty great adventures together; fully decided on, boundaries in place, and with no expectations.
After a number of years of introspection, and constantly assessing her
situations in life, Tia has learned that if things are going well with someone, she looks in the mirror first. And, she says thoughtfully, she loves herself first and foremost. This helps with expectations in a relationship. She elaborates to say she has come to realize what is important is to love the experiences with a person and not depending on that person to do what “should be”. She makes it clear that each relationship won’t be forever, but, plans can be made for the future, to enjoy a walk or a play date together, which gives each person something to look forward to.
She speaks of how she recently had a relationship change with the other person moving away. She did not want the person to go, per se, but, she encouraged it and helped them do so as it was the best thing for them. To Tia, “this was way better than the way so many relationships end. It’s better to leave on a positive note, than hating each other for years on end, and being miserable cunts! We have enough of that going on in the world.”
”It’s the small victories,” says Miztress Tia, sipping her tea and remaining as composed as a boulder on the shores of Peggy’s Cove that she often frequents – marked by time and weathering but remaining solid in the ground. It’s getting late now as she recounts how she once had a long discussion with politician Elizabeth May, when changes were being made to Canadian laws regarding sex work. By the end of which, it should be no surprise, Ms. May changed her mind on sex work versus sex trafficking. This led to her vote going against the proposed bill. The overall vote was overwhelming, “white knights must always protect in the end, even if the person doesn’t need said protection”, but the changing of one politician’s mind was still a rather glorious feat. And, Tia says, she isn’t done with this fight, just recharging.
Tia is a woman, I’m beginning to learn, who does not avoid. Instead, she confronts life by continuously coming up with creative ways to target her bullseye. Not the target set by anyone around her. And not necessarily by aiming straight on.
Luckily for me, this time my own avoidance may turn out to be fortuitous. An article outlining Tia’s more personal views was born and there is one more to come! This third and much anticipated piece, in which I meet with Miztress Tia at Uncommon Grounds in Halifax, will address several hot questions about Tia’s life as a Professional Domme.
by: Lil Bird
edits and model in images: Miztress Tia
Photographer for outdoor photos: VirtuousEvil
…read part 3, where we we delve into Tia’s career as Pro Domme!
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