Like so many other kinksters I’ve met in our Nova Scotian queer, swinger, and kink communities (or read about on dating and fet profiles) this past decade, my kink fantasies started from a very young age; I remember nothing different.
There was no single knight or lady in shining armour riding into my woods to sweep me off my feet. I did not dream of marriage along the way, as we are often told girls do. I dreamt of something…different.
At around 12 or 13, my first fully-developed kink fantasies came alive while I was laying on my back, touching myself. The touching followed my (older) boyfriend having fingered me on the side of a hill close to my, then future, high school; it was the most wonderful I had ever felt.
I wanted to replicate that feeling; I knew there was more to it…I tried making myself cum between the sheets of the double bed with the white and baby-pink, Victorian-style headboard my parents had bought for me when we moved in to our newest house. Not sleeping. Exploring. Fantasizing…
My earliest bdsm fantasies
If someone, or several, humans were to ride into my forest during one of these fantasies, they would find me and countless others tied and bound with rope, vinyl, palate wrap (I didn’t yet know what these things were called or that people actually played in such ways).
Those of us bound to the trees, held in various unusual positions. Helpless. Secured so that hardly any other part could move. Either hips, or ass, or lips exposed on a right-side-up or an upside-down body, legs-sprawled, ankles or wrists strung to branches above. Moaning…
and we would be used. By anyone who wanted to touch or fuck or use our faces, hands, assholes, pussies, cocks… and, it was wonderful.
Other times, I was the one using the people bound to the trees. Touching clits positioned at eye-level, sliding my fingers inside. Moans exploding from the woman, bound in her position.
In other recurring fantasies, I’d be chained to a spinning, horizontal wheel, very much like the “wheel of fortune” wheel, me at the centre, arms and legs pulled apart from my naked body.
People all around the wheel would stare at me, chat and giggle, and one at a time they would spin the wheel. When the wheel stopped, the act described on the card would be performed on me by the person who spun, in front of all to watch.
Another regularly occurring fantasy of mine, that might have come a bit later, involved me being gangbanged, in a rough and unexpected manner, in my home, on my cold, clear glass and metal coffee table. One person was underneath the table even, masturbating to the scene above; me being fucked from behind with another person in front of my face, receiving oral.
More recently in my life
Along with exploring various kinky-type communities this past decade, during that same time I have been exploring open relationships. I’ve attempted to educate myself with readings, and learned a lot this way. But, perhaps more importantly, living them by being a part of various open and poly relationships.
I’ve learned that as a third in a relationship, I love the relationship between the two people, almost like another person. And, that can be a truly amazing position to be in; fostering the dynamic in a loving and caring manner while reaping the benefits of the connection with the other two people as individuals – emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.
It can also be tiring to focus a ton of time on a relationship between two “other” people. A person might quickly come to realize that, as a third, unless in a completely even “triad”, you are first to go if things get overly complicated or uncomfortable.
During the past decade (or more), I have also had the glorious occasion of seeing my orgasms evolve. From having only clitoral orgasms early on, to being able to cum internally with simultaneous clitoral stimulation. Next came orgasms during sexual intercourse, after a time not requiring deliberate clitoral attention in order to cum.
As time moved on, and during a relationship with an amazingly strong and beautiful woman, I discovered, finally, the I am capable of multiple orgasms! Wheee! More recently, I can cum without specific stimulation of my sexual organs (such as through a good spanking or from having my hair pulled the right way).
My goals with K&C
I used to imagine these scenes described from my youth, and many others, going on for hours and hours. That I was a party favour for these crowds. At times, I imagined I was even exhausted and near tears, but also feeling…amazing.
There was really nothing else like my fantasies in my life. At least, not until much later.
No… at the time, I didn’t really understand what was happening in my mind at all. I would enjoy these thoughts at night. And, well, I guess I would simply pretend they did not exist at all during the day. Not with friends or with most lovers (it sometimes backfired when tried to), and most certainly not with family. Not even my queer (or gay) side was shared with (some of) them, ever.
By sharing information, my own stories – at times my stumbling through experiences or relationships and those from our valuable contributors, I hope to decrease uncertainty and even stigmas around “kink” and “alternative lifestyles”. And maybe help someone relate to another after feeling no one else understands.
If nothing else, my current goal in life is self-improvement. This goes for my way of communicating, understanding and avoidance of conflict, increasing the time I spend with the people most important to me, more meditating, and a re-focus on ensuring my own safety and self-preservation.
Warmth and hugs,
A Little Bird from down the street.