excerpts

May 21, 2018

a quote about Facing Trauma…

Trauma, by definition, is unbearable and intolerable. Most rape victims, combat solders, and children who have been molested become so upset when they think about what they experienced that they try to push it out of their minds, trying to act as if nothing happened, and move on. It takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror, and the shame of utter weakness and vulnerability.

While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is devoted to ensuring our survival (deep below our rational brain) is not very good at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These postraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption.

Van Der Kolk, Bessel. 2014. The Body Keeps the Score; Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Random House LLC.

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May 9, 2018

a quote about sexual extremes…

“That’s too much.”
“That’s going too far.”

In my life, I have seen many sexual activities  labeled “going too far.”
When I was a child in an average American neighborhood, sex within marriage was permitted, but pre-mariatal sex was “going too far”. I remember when vaginal intercourse was all right but oral sex was “going too far”. Then oral sex became acceptable but anal sex was “going too far.” Then came roup sex, then bisexuality, then… Where will this end?

I believe almost all of the SM community would agree that the following activities would be “going too far.”

1. Doing anything without informed, freely given consent. (I use the consent definition formulated by therapist and SM author Dossie Easton: “An active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned.”)

2. Doing anything that causes great damage or death, even with conset.

3. Doing anything with someone incapable of consent – for example, someone too young, too intoxicated, or too mentally unbalanced to give consent.

Society agrees with these limits. Laws exist regarding all three conditions, and i want to encourage my readers to obey all applicable laws.

Wiseman, J. 1998. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (Kindle Ed.)

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Apr 30, 2018

a quote about aftercare for bottoms…

What is sub drop? In relative terms sub drop is “coming down” after a scene primarily when a submissive or bottom in the scene reaches subspace. This “coming down” is different with each submissive and should be attended to accordingly. Some people come down slowly and others come down rather quickly. The after affects of coming down can happen within a few minutes to days after a scene.

… Sub drop is generally described as feelings of depression or some type of emotion that may display itself in that manner. Sadness, a sense of loss, a feeling of aloneness are some of the feelings that have been described to me when talking about the drop. Of course, no two submissives or bottoms are the same and the drop is not the same either. Some people never experience drop and for the most part i believe that this is due to the levels of care given after a scene.

I have seen the gamut of behaviour with submissives or bottoms after a scene from giddiness to uncontrolled crying. Sometimes these behaviours will have no rational explanation at all. Sometimes you will have what he/she will describe as the best scene in the world and drop will hit and leave a myriad of feelings that will have you wondering what went wrong. What do you do to deal with this?The best way to deal with drop is aftercare.

Aftercare is possibly the most important part of a scene next to negotiation. If your play partner is not brand new to the scene, ask during negotiations what he/she usually requires for aftercare. This too can range from being left alone to cuddling and comforting. It is much easier to find out ahead of time then try to wing it during an emotional time.

When doing aftercare, it is important to first take care of any first aid needs there might be after a scene. Most submissives will have a drape or blanket or something of that nature with them to wrap up in after a scene. It is important to make sure that their basic needs are met. They may need something cold to drink. Also have some food items available. Chocolate is also a favourite tool to assist with drop and aftercare.

The submissive might need to sit at your feet for a bit, or be touched, cuddled, held, or may not want to be touched at all. Be sure to allow enough time to make sure that they are taken care of and you will have a play partner that keeps coming back for more.

Some of the other tips you can use:

Be sure to nurture and show care for the bottom.

Talk about your satisfaction with the bottom. Let them know how well they did in the scene and how much you enjoyed it. Thank the bottom for the scene.

Call them a day or two after a scene. Sometimes drop occurs a day or two later. Calling them gives reassurances and confirms your care. Also after a couple of days, feedback can be exchanged to make the scene even better the next time.

Feedback is an important tool for both Top and bottom. Make sure that you include feedback as part of aftercare. This can be done a day or two after the scene or sooner if the submissive is up to it after a scene.

Reed, B. 2011. A to Z of BDSM PDF

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Apr 25, 2018

A quote from the creator of Halifax’s “The Book of Kink”…

I decided to start the Book of Kink, Chapter 1, because basically I noticed that in Halifax we have a severe lack of education around kink and fetish, and around safety.  And, I wanted to start an event that would address those issues, that would welcome everybody, in a safe space, but also create conversation around it. And, i also wanted to support local businesses that are also safe spaces, and people in the LGBT community… so, i started there…but…

Essentially, I just really wanted to [help] people understand that kink is not scary, and fetish is not scary. And, it is something you can learn about. If you are interested in it, you can do it in a safe way. And, I want to help people be safe, but, I also want to help people not to be afraid of it – i want to minimize the stigma around it. Because, there is so much stigma around fetish. People think that “oh, you’re crazy or, there must be something fundamentally wrong with you if you’re into this.” And, no! That is not true – [there are] so many kinksters and so many fetish people in the world and especially in our little city.

So, umm, i just want to help normalize it. and take away some of that stigma that is so negative, that deems people… as if they’re bad people for wanting to participate in [these] consensual act[s]. …*giggle*…that’s it!

CutieMarie, Co-Organizer of Nightshade and creator of “the Book of Kink” in Halifax. Quote obtained on Apr 10, ’18, following Chapter 1 events, at Menz & Mollyz Bar.

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Apr 12, 2018

A quote from “Different Loving”…

I know that there are some people who are involved with S/M or D&S activities who really cannot get off in any other way, but the same thing is true of missionary position, male-female heterosexuality. I look to maximize options. If people can get off with ordinary missionary-position sex and also with D&S and also with this, that, and the other, then they have many more opportunities for pleasure.

Certainly there are people who engage in D&S and S/M activities for whom it is a problem or the expression of a problem—but so also there are people who cannot engage in anything but ordinary penis-vagina intercourse for whom sex is a problem or the expression of a problem…

Brame, William. 1996. Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. Random House Publishing Group.

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Apr 3, 2018

A quote about trust, communication, and talking…

Trust and communication

Making SM work is dependent upon developing honest, sincere communication and profound trust. The thing that sinks most sexual relationships, vanilla, SM, or otherwise, is the inability to let your partner know what is happening inside you. Let him know what pushes your buttons, what you are feeling, and what you fantasize about. It is definitely easier to bare your body than it is to bare your soul, but giving your partner a peek at the real you has a huge payoff. Opening up takes a two level approach: you have to learn to talk frankly, and you have to have a working knowledge of each other’s bodies.

Talking

If you are busy hoping your partner will figure out how to twizzle your tweezle the way you like it twizzled, you will be less able to concentrate on the actual twizzling. Conversely, if you are lying there praying he doesn’t tweak your tweezle with the vice-grips the way he did last time, you’re going to fight like a hooked salmon every time he reaches for the toolbox.

The remedy is talking about it. It takes a little guts, but it gets easier the more you do it. He loves you and will appreciate knowing what you like. Honest. Show your partner the part of your tweezle that raise and lower your eyebrows. Let him practice until your eyebrows are zipping up and down like bees’ wings. Tell him to deep-six the vice-grips, that it took three week before you could twizzle again without screaming. The moral is: Twust your tweezle! Tell your fwiend what it wants!

You have to trust your partner to do what you like and stay away from the things that are too much. Find out what your partner’s fantasies are. Share yours. Propose scenes that you would like to try. Make up a sexual wish-list and another list of stuff you can’t stand and won’t tolerate.

Discuss each others’ limits and swear that you will absolutely not trespass beyond them. (Don’t you dare snicker while you are making this oath, it tends to erode trust.) This is called negotiation. Negotiating your scenes is important enough that we have dedicated a whole chapter to it.

Don’t forget that tastes change as horizons expand. Keep the lines of communication open and your creative juices ever-flowing. This sounds easier than it actually is. You may think you already know all there is to know about your partner and for short periods of time this may be true. However, time alters feelings. Tricks and roles get stale. New roles become intriguing. Some of the gimmicks that you used to consider outrageous become indispensable parts of lovemaking. It is too easy to fall into patterns that, while comfortable, become boring shortly.

The important thing to remember when discussing sexual feelings is that most people are very shy about them and that the emotional impact of sexuality is very deeply ingrained in us. We would like to propose a few guidelines for communicating.

Above all, be respectful! No matter how strange your partner’s tastes may seem, they are things that he holds very near and dear. Be prepared to bit your tongue in half before you laugh at his fetish.

Listen carefully to what your partner is saying. Many people have trouble saying exactly what they mean. If something isn’t clear, be gentle, but ask about it until you are sure you understand. Don’t argue. If something becomes too difficult to talk about, or if you are having a misunderstanding that you can’t seem to overcome, suggest that you think about the problem for a while and agree to discuss it later.

Accept your partner’s opinions about his sexuality and himself. There is no right or wrong in the area of sexuality and emotions. Conflicting opinions are not invalid, but can present a stumbling block. Try to find a way around the hurdles rather than trying to convince your partner to agree with your viewpoint.

Opening up to someone is hard work. Thank your partner for giving you a part of himself. Give him a hug and a kiss to show your appreciation. Then, rip his clothes off and ravage his body.

Miller, P. and Devon, M. 1995. Screw the roses: send me the thorns. 

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Mar 27, 2018

A quote from “The Ethical Slut”…

Some people base their sense of ethics on what God, or their church, or their parents, or their culture, considers okay or not okay. They believe that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than themselves. Dossie remembers explaining to some family friends that she had left the church she was raised in because she didn’t believe a just God would punish her aunt for getting a (much justified) divorce. The family friends were pretty conservative people, and of an older generation. One of them asked, “Well, if you don’t believe a just God will punish you, why don’t you just go around murdering people?” Dossie explained that she doesnt murder people because her internal sense of ethics, her empathy with others, and her desire to feel good about herself, all tell her that to harm another person would be a terrible thing for her to do.

To believe that God doesn’t like sex is like believing that God doesn’t like you: we all wind up carrying a secret shame for our own perfectly natural sexual desires and fulfillments. We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met who is a devoted churchgoer. She told us that when she was about five years old, she discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked under a warm blanket on a long trip. It felt so wonderful that she concluded that the existence of her clitoris was proof positive that God loved her.

Hardy, Janet. 2009. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures. 2nd Edition.

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Mar 21, 2018

A quote in response to the question “who/what are you looking for [within the realm of BDSM]”…

I should have a good idea of whom or what I am looking for. If I want a submissive, slave, pony girl, service person, or whatever suits my needs.

When you are talking to the other person in chat or IM, look for clues that should send up Red Flags when they occur:

Is the person you are talking to rude and domineering?
Does he/she seem to be avoiding questions or hiding things?
Do they seem to change stories or contradict themselves?
Are they ready to begin the relationship from the first meeting?
Does he/she laugh off your safety measures and concerns?
Does he/she worry about being seen in public with you?
Does he make excuses regarding participating in local group munches or other events with other lifestyles?

The list is endless when it comes to things that should be red flags regarding meeting someone. One of the biggest tools that you can use is your gut feeling. If it feels too good to be true, then it usually is. If it just seems like something is wrong or being hidden, then you should look at those feelings and not dismiss them too quickly.

When it finally is time to actually meet someone in person, there are things that are quite necessary in order to do what you can to keep yourself safe. Location and Safe Calls are two examples.

Reed, B. 2011. A to Z of BDSM PDF 

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Mar 13, 2018

A quote from someone who knows…

The entire point of drag is to give the middle finger to rules of gender.

Peppermint (2017) Drag Race, Season 9, Final episode.

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Mar 7, 2018

A quote (or dream-come-true-advice) for…well…anyone who is in or ever plans to be in a (poly or other type of) relationship with anyone else…

People feel resentment when they believe someone has hurt or wronged them. Resentment is a kind of anger that usually stays unresolved. People grow angry when their needs are not met. When they feel unappreciated or when a partner does something they feel is hurtful.

Resentment often comes up in open relationships when one partner goes along with some behaviour to make the other happy. There are the times when you say yes to a partner’s request for a sexual encounter, or a new partner, but your heart screams no. You should never give something your blessing if you have reservations about it.

When you don’t honour your feelings and instincts, when you don’t verbalize what you want and need, when you keep silent so you don’t rock the boat, it’s only a matter of time before you feel bad. Unexpressed anger and resentment can only lead to a breakdown in communication, distance between partners, and a pile-up of negative emotions. 

Letting things build up over time can lead to painful emotional explosions. The resentful partner has reached his limit, and lets loose days, or weeks, or years of hurt and anger. Usually the other partner feels blindsided, since he’s hearing the information for the first time.

We can’t expect our partners to read our minds. The key to avoiding resentment is to express your feelings, even if they are difficult to talk about like anger, hurt, or betrayal. Even if you know the feelings are irrational. You must still honour them, and communicate them.

Taormino, Tristan. 2008. Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships.

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Feb 27, 2018

A quote from a book with the phrase “screw the roses” in the title…

Our society has a marvelous capacity for making the simplest of activities (sex. in this case) an incredibly convoluted affair. Guidelines have evolved specifying with whom you may fall in love, right down to their gender, age. race, and social background. There are also plenty of rules for the “proper” way to make love. This has turned basic instincts into perplexing exercises and normal physical functions into moral and psychological dilemmas. By abandoning society’s accepted norms and trying something a little different, one invites social censure, religious sanction, and even legal harassment.

At the risk of ruining our well-tarnished image, we must tell you that the picture of the evil sadist abusing the cringing masochist is not quite the reality. In fact, no sadist we know would pull the wings off a fly unless the fly said that it would enhance its sexual pleasure. Don’t let it get around, but compassionate sadists, benevolent dominants, adventurous submissives and wise-cracking slaves are typical. Seem contradictory? Well, paradox is the rule here rather than the exception. This is a world in which the greatest kindness resides within cruelty. This is a universe of illusion, mystery, and supreme delight.


Sadomasochists have stepped outside the norms. Our attitude is, screw ’em if they can’t take a joke, but screwing someone who can take a joke is a lot more fun. Some of us really didn’t choose SM, it has simply been a part of our sexuality since our earliest sexual memories. We just seem to be wired that way. Then there are the adventurous souls among us who hear about SM, try it, and fall in love with it.


Dominant and submissive attitudes already belong to everyone involved in sexual relationships in one form or another. Lovers establish patterns where one takes the lead for certain activities and surrenders the direction to his partner for others. Sadomasochists simply take this a bit further employing all the creativity and experimentation we can muster.


Sadomasochism (SM) is about spinning sexual yams, blending threads of fact and fantasy, drama and comedy, tradition and innovation. Twisting and complicating emotions ‘ is not recommended practice in daily life, but it can be an opportunity for self-exploration into enhanced sexuality. With a little mischief and imagination. ordinary sexual activity can become a transcendent experience.

Miller, P. and Devon, M. 1995. Screw the roses: send me the thorns. 

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Feb 20, 2018

A quote from a book we’ve heard referred to as “the BDSM bible”…

The Domination/submission lifestyle, like any other lifestyle choice, can be a complex yet rewarding way to live if you and your potential partner(s) are guided by similar values, follow familiar protocols, and share the same vision. Conversely, your experience with the lifestyle can end up being a train wreck if you fail to take inventory of your own capacity to live in a D/s relationship, as well as your tolerance levels for the great diversity of expression you’ll encounter from others in this lifestyle.

A D/s relationship can be as comforting as a warm blanket or as frightening as an unexpected encounter with a knife-wielding stranger in a dark alley. It can be uplifting and empowering, or it can be abusive and dangerous. It can bring great joy into your life, or tremendous sadness. Ultimately, it will be whatever you and your partner make of it. If you fail, it won’t be because there is something wrong with the lifestyle. It will be because you were inadequately prepared to live it.

That is why you should fully understand what you’re getting into, why you’re doing it, and whether you are suited for it. It is only after those key questions have been answered, that you should be at all concerned whether you might be any good at it.

Makai, M. 2013. Domination & Submission: the BDSM Relationship Handbook

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Feb 9, 2018

A longer section of quote from a great read…

What kind of person would revel in calling himself a slut? And why would he insist on being recognized for his ethics?

In most of the world, “slut” is a highly offensive term, used to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate and shameful. It’s interesting to note that the analogous word “stud,” used to describe a highly sexual man, is often a term of approval and envy. If you ask about a man’s morals, you will probably hear about his honesty, loyalty, integrity and high principles. When you ask about a woman’s morals, you are more likely to hear about who she fucks and under what conditions. We have a problem with this.

So, we are proud to reclaim the word “slut” as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. A slut may choose to have sex with herself only, or with the Fifth Fleet. He may be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, a radical activist or a peaceful suburbanite.

As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good- activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world. And, furthermore, we believe that all consensual sexual choices have these potentials- that any sexual pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities.

A slut shares his sexuality the way a philanthropist shares her money because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. Sluts often find that the more sex and love they give away, the more they have- a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand-in-hand to provide more for everybody.

Imagine living in sexual abundance!

Hardy, Janet. 2009. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures. 2nd Edition.

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Jan 17, 2018

A quote to keep things moving along…

I would define polyamory as the desire for, or the practice of, maintaining multiple significant relationships simultaneously. These relationships may encompass many elements. Including love, friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact, commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex, and a spiritual connection. ..There is no single way to be polyamorous. ..the beauty of polyamory is that it frees you from arbitrary lines and limits. So why construct new ones?!

Taormino, Tristan. 2008. Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships.

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Jan 1, 2018

A quote to get us started…

We are so accustomed to accepting the idea that unusual or unfamiliar sexual practices are “perverse” that we rarely ask how these behaviours came to be so classified. What forces or individuals asserted what constitutes a sexual norm? how have these beliefs been assimilated into popular consciousness?

Brame, William. 1996. Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. Random House Publishing Group.

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